A Crack In The Ice

For someone who is so closed, guarded by walls so thick, so unbreakable, I sure do fall in love terribly quickly. Layer upon layer of protection made from the thickest substance I can muster, yet somehow my efforts fail me and I still manage to get wounded, there is still an ache. As people, humans, we need intimacy with another in order to live. No one has ever lived for very long without love, but in a world full of temptation and choice, in a world where monogamy is too much to ask yet expected, how can I even begin to untangle the mess of confusion I feel towards what I want and what I need.

I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be monogamous. I don’t expect you to be either, but the mere thought of you with another makes the delicate fragments of my heart shatter. How do I tackle this? How can I possibly allow myself to reveal the deepest, darkest, ugliest shades of myself to another, the defences that have taken so long to construct but would crumble in seconds like sand. Both of us unhealthily caring for each other until our bones hurt but are lead astray by the uncontrollable temptation of another. The chase will always be too thrilling to ignore, for him and I, but of course I don’t want to be alone. I want to stand in a room full of people and feel the security of our tether between the bodies, I want to leave the noise and fall asleep side by side. I want to sit at his dinner table with your family and be known, be unquestionable,  be a part of you like a limb, have whole conversations without speaking, ride the silence like a sleepy wave.

But how incredible is the sensation, the excitement of meeting someone new. From the hot sparks that fly between skin that isn’t even touching, diving into each other’s eyes like mountain lakes, eyes closed and hands stretched out in front of us. The dreamy sensation that consumes you, clouds your mind like a warm fog as you walk around in a daze, laughing at jokes, hmm-hmming in conversation but there is only one thing on your mind, one face you’re seeing. How can I be asked to give that up in return for something that will inevitably settle into a state of vanilla comfortability after a certain amount of time? I want both, I want the lifelong companionship and I want the lust, greediness is unkind to me.

 I don’t think love is very fair. I never ask to be invaded, to be lured by the intensity of a pleasure that will undoubtedly end in chest crippling pain and a huge hole that will take huge amounts of time and effort to repair. I am fine in my bubble, I have the perfect front. I can show as little as I like and no one dare probe any further, I can be pleasant and distant, myself yet so secretly distant from who I really was, am. I am in full control. Of course in the cold winter evenings I desperately pray for you, in the summer sunsets I sigh with desire, I cuddle myself to sleep. But come on, I am one girl, I am only one tiny girl up against the limitless universe and in a world that constantly battles against my needing to be alone occasionally when I am weak and tired I’ll allow a punch, a stab, and I’ll spend the rest of the evening bleeding out until soothed by the blissful closure of sleep.

But I will always be in awe of you; the intensity of you I receive from my family, the powerlessness I feel as I hand myself over to you despite my feeble efforts; your powers to heal and overcome, to crush and damage. You’re fickle, I’m fickle, we’re all fickle. I want you from everyone and no one at the same time and I’m still trying to decide how that is even possible.’

– Unknown

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