The amount of times a week my eyes roll back into my head with sheer boredom, I cross my arms more times than I can count and I sigh enough to fill up a hot air balloon.
Charlotte fun fact: I have had over 10 jobs, I’m only 20.
So it is a common theme in my family that we all absolutely hate every job we ever do. Maybe it’s because our downtime is always so bloody good that it’s painful going back to something so mundane and unstimulating. Maybe it’s because we haven’t found the right thing to get us going, or maybe it’s because we’re really lazy… who knows? All I know is that from the moment I start a shift I am glancing at my watch every five minutes and praying that time goes quickly.
Ever since I was little I have written stories. At school the teachers would have to force the paper out of my hand to stop me from writing during English exams, I was sent out numerous times for straying from the task and jotting down plots all over my notepads and typing up intros on my computer. I used to hold up my notepad, prop my novel up behind it and read while pretending I was proof reading my school work. There’s something about words that have always just amazed me, the way a few can be chucked together and you can make something so powerful and beautiful. By scribbling a few letters down and ordering them specifically you can describe emotion, action, intention, past, present and future. Pretty much everything you can possibly imagine can be told as long as you find the correct words to do so. You can use them to tell your own story or the story of someone else or you can make up a completely new person who doesn’t even exist and create a whole character and persona for them, all from the inner workings of your own mind. Words are the most versatile tool and the best chance of hope we have of ever understanding ourselves and the universe around us.
Okay so you get it, I like words.
I left school and I went travelling. I didn’t go to college and I didn’t go to university because something within me told me I wouldn’t need it in the future, that what ever it was that I was going to bring to this earth would come from me and would be something that couldn’t be taught from a curriculum. I have had a yearning since day one to produce something that would make others feel the way I feel when I read a book. To open a book is to open the doorway into an individuals soul, their imagination and emotions have created a separate world that they are allowing you to immerse yourself in and get swept away by. What a private honour it is to bask in the glorious glow of the minds that have managed to successfully create a world separate from the physical. A world that may or may not exist but is so vivid and well described that even for just an hour we are transported from reality into this new dimension which we are allowed to explore as if it’s our own.
We can trek the Pacific Crest Trail (Wild, Cheryl Strayed), we can float on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with a Bengal tiger (Life of Pi, Yann Martel), we can experience life as a Geisha in Kyoto (Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden) , we can educate ourselves on Autism and Grief through the mind of a young boy (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran-Foer) we can even experience the emotion of falling in love if it is described to us in the perfect words. We can experience the lives of millions of others without even leaving the confines of our own homes.
It would be incorrect to say that I don’t expect much from life. Money is necessary but not a desire and material objects aren’t of interest to me. However what I do expect and what I will achieve is a sense of completion that I have managed to fill my life with an abundance of happiness, adventure and love. I will travel to as many countries as I can, I will immerse myself in just as many cultures and traditions. I will read thousands of books, eat thousands of delicious meals, watch thousands of inspiring films, shows and performances. I will listen and laugh with some, and shout and cry with others. I will not waste my life away on my phone, I will not throw away my mornings laying in. I will do my best to cram as much adventure in my one and only life as I can. But most importantly of all if I can write something that will ignite the same passion and desire I feel towards life and living in just one other person, I will consider my life a success. If I can trigger thought and inspire motivation in just one single human being in my life time by the words I produce then I will have climbed my highest mountain.
Perhaps this is why I can’t hold down a job, why I find it so difficult to pour hours of my precious day down the drain serving rich assholes who have never helped another person in their entire lives. Why I can’t do a 9-5 job where I tap away on a computer all day or sort through files. Why I can’t put effort into anything because really in the grand scheme of things to me it means nothing unless you are influencing others. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself when I see others plodding along in their jobs, day after day without complaint and I feel like screaming into a pillow after just 5 hours of the same work. When they are engaged and stimulated by small tasks. Just because I’m not and just because I can’t doesn’t mean I’m lazy or have an attitude, I’m just a bird in a cage who can’t use her wings.
Never stop aiming for the highest, no matter how impossible it seems to reach.