I am having a happy day today. I feel pretty darn good, listening to 60s jams on loud, baking a fresh GF banana, cinnamon and winter berry loaf and tidying my little flat. I’ve been feeling pretty great a lot over the past few weeks and it made me think how amazing it is how you can go from feeling so incredibly wrong and out of place to feeling like you’re walking on sunshine.
For the first half of this year I kept myself isolated away from all my friends and family, I let myself drift away, starve, decay. I gave myself no care or attention and spent day after day hating myself, my body, my mind. I never laughed or smiled and any twinkle I had ever had before over time left me dull and lifeless. I’d been in dark places previously, taking anti anxiety and depression medication for 4 years from ages 15-19 and finally deciding to ditch it once and for all last November. The tablets had made me emotionless, unable to cry, laugh, smell, taste, I was numb in every sense. I wanted to feel again, but trying to tackle my anxiety head on sent me falling faster and further than I ever had before.
I tried to ignore it, I tried to pretend it wasn’t there and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I pushed and pushed myself despite spiralling out of control, trying to convince myself that I was following the correct path. Your body and your mind will always tell you when something isn’t right and if you ignore them they will continue to fail you until you open your ears and pay attention.
I had always been good at listening to what my body was telling me, when something wasn’t right I’d make a change, however this time I thought I could overcome it, telling myself that what I was doing was what I really wanted. I ended up in hospital, extremely anxious and in a really bad way. I made the tough decision to leave the life I’d built behind and to come home, not knowing why or what was going to be waiting for me when I arrived. As soon as I made the decision I felt a wave of relief wash over me, like a big soothing cuddle. I was about to make a major change, one I hadn’t even known I’d wanted.
Since returning home I have mended tremendously, I have given myself the love and attention I was craving, I have learnt more, experienced more, made the most of everything that came my way. Coming from such a dark and dangerous place to such a light and positive one has been the most incredible transition. I have the most amazing friends and family who cherish and care for me, who make me feel like I am worth something and that I deserve a place in this world.
I laugh so much my tummy hurts, I sing superrrrr loud, I read, I write, I dance and I love more because I have more love to give. Always listen to your soul, never suppress your anxiety because it’ll eat away at you, demanding to be acted upon. I still struggle with certain aspects, as does everyone. The mind is a tricky puzzle to complete but I’m working on it one piece at a time.
Life is so incredibly full of beautiful and remarkable wonders, all you have to do is look, love and listen.